It’s been almost a year
A whopping wasteful year
And I’m here
Again.. looking around
Smelling the ground
And waiting for sound
Any sound, a sound of something, a heart breaking, a kite sailing, a dream taking flight, a rowdy night…. but I hear nothing so great.
Those cool types are talking and planning and standing
At their desks, so evolved
While my toes are curling and my arches are aching and all my extra coins are stuffed into my shoes.
But I’m meant to be grateful, bow my head and say Thank You
While they tower above and draw plans in the sky
And I’m meant to smile widely, open my arms to them widely and spread thinner and thinner until nothing is there
No me will be there,
Just a shell filled with air
Which is all that they need, they don’t really need me and they really don’t care.
So I slip out the back on my hobbling feet
I slip from their grasp of my well defined seat
And I with no fear
Boldly walk out of here
Because what are great voices, to absent ears?
Just one day.
A hello kiss.
Of course I knew the importance of the washing machine in my life. Three kids and an attitude of, just grab something to clean that up, means the washing machine is probably the most hardworking household appliance I have. Don’t propose the fridge or the oven or even the coffee machine – these sit there until needed and they are typically needed at very precise times of day or night. The washing machine has to be at my beck and call.. at anytime of the day or night to work hard regardless of how it is feeling or how old it is getting. What a thankless job, but how do you thank something so fundamental to helping clean up your life?
Bad news in the last month or so, the washing machine was ill. Its motor was struggling, its display oscillated between happy messages and depressed ones and most of the time it simply gave up mid-cycle with a hopeless sigh. I believed that it wanted to work, but some part inside of it was broken or was slowly breaking and all of its plans for whatever future remained for it, were being left in a dirty heap.
We’ve had a lot of extended family support during this time. A lot of prayers have been said and research has been done but it’s been a very bleak existence and as a family we’ve held together with laughs and 80s tshirts.
Today the specialist came to talk to us. She had some wonderful news. The washing machine would be fine. There was no doubt it had to be monitored every quarter to see if anything further was breaking, but for now it would be fine. We could be normal again.
I don’t know if secretly the washing machine will be laughing at me, but I know how to say thank you now.. and I intend to say it for the rest of his life.
Coming to terms with hard unfinished things by buying soft furnishings. Somewhere in the wings, she’s waiting til she sings. All bravado, all flare. Then it goes, like it went before and her heart is as heavy as her throat is sore and her mind just skips and she can’t even scream because it was probably just another of her vain little dreams.
Coming to terms with cushions like candles like curtain like colour. But this time when she flies she won’t find any cover. It’s all just dressing, of make up of sham. Clutched deep in her soul and out of her hands. All sadness, all bare.Then it’s coming, like it hasn’t before and her head is begging and her heart breaks more and she can’t act the fool or take to the stage because it’s not about her and she’s no longer that age.
Coming to terms with whatever comes next. The keyboard conquerer spies useless gadgets. Of perfectly functional, practical sense with all time consuming tomes so completely dense. Order one or more or sit on your fence. All fear and resilience.
I know now why they say “that was the worst day of my life”. It is just the realisation. It is having the familiar path suddenly widening or narrowing and the realisation that you are going to walk a way you’ve yet to walk and you’re scared. Whatever happens, you know your feet will do their duty, but it’s that moment of realisation, that they won’t have a choice. There is no backward. Even if you turn wholly around and recount everything that happened before, you still have to move forward. Does it help, looking back? Not really. That’s when you stumble most. Better to turn around, face it head-on, feet-forward and hopefully the worst day is already gone.
The idea is to keep adding and adding.. just slowly of course as you stir and stir. Round you go again. Same old pot, same old circle, same old treadmill of days and events….until you realise you aren’t liquid anymore.. you’ve thickened.
All those fluid ideas you had, have slowed into glug and you suspect your days of sleeveless freedom are to be covered over and hidden from those young upstarts still dancing around in pretty circles or racing the circuit as if they can win. But give them time too, time, warmth, maybe a family and a job, maybe a house and a constant supply of delicious treats and then before they realise it, they will have thickened too.
I’d like to think this is a thickening of mind as well as body. It is a dulling down of everything that once shone so bright. Everything is that much heavier and slower that at times, it is like you were never quick witted and the fast pace of the world, is almost too much to bear. Thoughts are slower, words slower slower slower still.. until
I can feel like a stranger in my own world. I can see it and hear it all I think, but it’s all a bit muffled like I’m on the edge of a dream about to fall off into oblivion.
That’s why God invented mosquitoes.. so I’d have a need to slap myself every so often.
I can hardly believe that I am sitting here in my new (temporary) lounge room, connected to the Internet and watching our media centre as if nothing had changed. But it has changed, so much has changed in such a short period of time. I am reeling from the blessings in my life right now. Most of these have come in the form of D’s parents who have gone above and beyond to support our move but others have come out of the blue and in quick succession;
– Finding a rental property
– Moving out in time for the builders to move in
– Finding a job with flexible working hours
– Finding a childcare centre that is beautiful and new and has a spot for the Thumper
– Finding two brand new teeth popping through Thumper’s gums
– Finding a landlady who is lovely and can sew
– Finding the courage to take an Indy leap.
Brewing in the back of my mind, in that sordid stew of negative thought is the idea that something bad must happen to counteract all of the good I’ve experienced. I almost can’t write this post, for fear of notifying some greater power of the inbalance in my life. Stop! Stop! You are going to throw off the entire world! Even this afternoon as I made the call to decline the amazing job offer I expected to be berated by the employer. Instead, I found them to be incredibly kind, understanding and gobsmackingly good natured about my obvious craziness. Please give them your attention because I wish them the very best.
So now I wait.. and see what comes up in the coming weeks as the house continues to come down. If these blessings can not continue, then at the very least the Internet and you, know how grateful I am.