#Trust30 Day 20: Speak Less

I have too often made the mistake of telling others what my plans are, my goals, my dreams. No more. Let it stay triple folded over and stapled and glued and boxed and locked and buried and forgotten.

I know what has to be done. Let that be enough.

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#Trust30 Day 18: Dreams

Abide in the simple and noble regions of thy life, obey thy heart. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
Write down your top three dreams. Now write down what’s holding you back from them.

 

 

 

1. To write – and survive
I can write and write and write but I have no audience and I have no purpose and I have no message. So what I write can never be a product that can be sold. Therefore I can never expect to be paid to write. Therefore I can not survive on my writing alone, even if it were brilliant.

2. To love – and survive
I only have perfection to model love from. My parents, so loving, so attentive to each other and us. Now I am trying to model perfection and am failing and even though my life is so different to theirs, I wish that I will somehow learn to love and to survive. Because I can give my everything and think about everything and over think everything and drive my love to extreme and be so incompetantly wrong in my second guesses. So I dream only to love and survive.

3. To create – and survive
So similar to my first point, and yet a compromise. I would so happily inadequately create for the rest of my life. To make murals on city walls, to design tattoos for friends, to make scupltures outs of $1 per kilo hunks of clay and never smooth the edges. Never smooth the edges, not because I don’t care but I do wonderwhether smooth edges count. I will not survive this because I would give my whole self to it; abandoning everything to just wallow in nonsense and no sense.

 

 

#Trust30 Day 16: Wholly Strange and New

“And lastly, you might want one of these,” said our host handing out soft white dust masks, “now go and explore”. He opened the door of the meeting room and ushered the fourteen of us back through the small hotel and out onto the streets of Kathmandu.

I was 16 maybe 17 and had never travelled overseas without my parents before. I was with a group of young Australians visiting the Everest region as part of a program run by Sir Edmund Hillary’s foundation. We had about three weeks of trekking ahead of us but right now, at this moment, I was struggling with the idea that I was about to walk through an unknown city with complete strangers.

With the enthusiasm of those experiencing something wholly strange and new we crammed ourselves into tiny tuktuk taxi bikes and headed into the shopping district. We haggled with shopkeepers, we stocked up on colour and texture and the new smells of incense mingling with the dust curtain. We photographed and we chatted and we pointed and laughed. We quickly bonded as the dirty dusk descended into a dark warm evening.

Truly then I found myself in a wholly strange and new situation for me. I was in a bar. I hadn’t been to a nightclub of any kind before let alone a jazz bar in the middle of Kathmandu. I had never ordered a drink.

I knew right then, that this was my life. As I scanned the menu, having no clue what each cocktail concoction would do to my head, I felt my life. Yes I was a long way from home experiencing a wholly different country but it wasn’t until I was faced with that menu that I felt I was actually my own person. I still remember the first drink I ordered in that bar was a rum daquiri.

The second, third and possibly fourth drinks, I can’t remember.

I do remember the cruel laughter of blaring car and truck horns the next morning. Soooo loud. Tooooo loud. Ow.

I also remember the dusk mask lying on the bedside table. It had turned black. Packed with the grime from the air, it had served its purpose. It wouldn’t be able to hide the grin on my face from that day forward.

 


#Trust30 is an online initiative and 30-day writing challenge that encourages you to look within and trust yourself. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your now, and to create direction for your future. 30 prompts from inspiring thought-leaders will guide you on your writing journey.

#Trust30 Day 15: One Thing

I really gotta lose some weight.

Step 1: Put down the icecream with the gooey caramel sauce you’ve stuck all over with freddo frogs.

Hmm step 1 proving too difficult.

 


Note this is day 15 – half way through this exercise on self-reliance.


#Trust30 is an online initiative and 30-day writing challenge that encourages you to look within and trust yourself. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your now, and to create direction for your future. 30 prompts from inspiring thought-leaders will guide you on your writing journey.

#Trust30 Day 14: Alternative Paths

“What alternative opportunities, interpretations and paths am I not seeing?”

I went this way. It was the natural choice, the trees gave it away. Humming as they did “walk this way” and dancing to the disco light of a weak winter sun shining on their leaves. I was propelled rather than compelled. I went along for the jive, because it hasn’t been an easy ride.

It actually has been hard, so much harder than I dreamt it would be. The ground beneath my bare feet is a rocky, stabby challenge. Some days, I feel like I can’t go on, that I need to turn back and choose an alternate path. I sit then, amongst the stones and the scratchy bark of the dancing trees and look in the other direction. So much sun back that way and the sky looks clear, like you could fly right up into it. If things have been hard up until now, it can only be harder to walk that ground again.

Still those trees are humming, dancing, pushing and pulling and twisting me around and around on this hurtful ground. Maybe, just maybe my alternate path is not back the way I came, it is not to continue walking the way I’m going. Maybe it isn’t to sit by this tree and mourn a decision not truly made and blame the way those branches have swayed.

It could be time to enjoy where I am.

It could be time to dance.