Finished and yet not

So today I finished #NaNoWrimo for 2011 and it felt just as good as when I did it in 2009 but I was much less careful this time around. It is still a story though and it is my proof that at least in this small task I am not a fluke artist. I worked on it every day and completed it.

I have sacrificed my morning walks because after home duties, exercise and nanowrimo of an evening I haven’t been in bed before 11pm and simply can not be out again at 5am and function effectively at work. I need to start these up again.

And in this month gone by such wonderful things have happened. All the chemistry appears to be balancing out and even though I am in agony because of everything, it is worth it. Like a special gift, I’ve been given a permanent role with IBM and this means finally the option to have another baby is something real.

I read back on my diaries last night and wondered how long I would’ve continued hating myself and making poor choices, if I’d been left alone? Just like my tastes have changed and I can no longer eat what I once did, so my mind has changed and I can’t jump on the next golden chariot heading out the door. I want to work at it, like I’ve worked at getting healthier, like I have worked on #nanowrimo.
I want to see what work, instead of fluke can deliver.



The strangest thing happened today – actually it has been happening over the last month. With every congratulations, with every bit of praise, with every recommendation and smiling opportunity, I have felt nothing but anxiety. Is this an actual problem, or simply the fragile suggestion that I am content right now.. and I don’t want the boat rocked by any handshake, backpat or a single dollar flipped into my lap?