An Experiment in Humiliation?

Today I did something monumomentarily silly.

I allowed my personal trainer to use my example on her FB page. Part of me knew this would be a deeply humiliating exercise to have something so personal shared so liberally to my FB network and hers instantly. Still I convinced myself into it on the basis that the worst that could come of it would be my humiliation, at the hands of others. But hadn’t I been doing that for years anyway? With everything that I ate and joked off? Wasn’t my network thinking all of these years that I really shouldn’t be making those brownies or eating those burgers? Except they are my friends and would never have known how to tell me that I was doing the wrong thing, in any way, that wouldn’t of caused me embarrassment, maybe defensiveness and hurt. Maybe I would’ve been humiliated and shrugged and said “yeah I know, but “. Maybe.

So the worst that could happen was I would be embarrassed. Friend after friend would see the update about my size and the praise from my trainer who has seen how hard I’ve worked and how hard its been. They might giggle a little to themselves because size 14 is still pretty big to most people.. particularly looking at it from a size 6 or 8 or even a 12. They might wonder why I would let the whole world know where I’m up to because I haven’t really achieved much (from their point of view). But that is really the worst that can happen from this. Their giggling. Which might’ve been happening all along. But I am not getting any bigger while they giggle. I am getting fitter and stronger and healthier. So laugh away at my expense.

Because the best that can happen… is that someone, amongst all of the people that see that update, who is as big as I was or getting that way or bigger still, might just might think to themselves.. well if that desk bound nerd can get off her fat arse and just start.. and keep going.. and going some more.. then maybe I can too. That’s the best that can happen, so I think I will sit here and wrangle my own levels of embarrassment and humiliation because really they are doing me no harm and maybe they are doing someone somewhere a little bit of good.

Empty

sitting on the bus, late for work again with only a rough chance my laptop will work when I get there. So much time wasting…and I can fill it up with reading, news gathering, social updating but it just seems so incredibly pointless and noisy and at once, lonely too.
I used to support the idea that online discussion was just an extension of offline but now I sometimes think it is a different beast altogether.