Exciting times, disappointing times

Swinging into 2nd trimester now and I have a lot of things to be excited about. I’m converting my office into a proper nursery – haven’t had one of those before. I have only 5 months before Chucky is due so I can do a good job too and not feel rushed.

Our house plans are almost finalised. We are really happy with the design and I know it will be a good place to live and raise our family in the coming years. So many decisions to be be made but I get real joy from being able to reach consensus with David on any of them.

Then I am excited by the work David has been doing. His business idea is really sound and he has the right people working with him to achieve it. I am deliberately NOT getting involved beyond being a sounding board because I can’t have any tension between us over business issues when we have enough personal decisions to make. But between me and the void that is the Internet, I am so deeply proud of the way he is thinking and even more so of how he is executing.

So in summary of the good, it is going to be a crazy expensive, crazy exciting year for us as a family unit with all of these new developments.

The flipside is that I’ve become increasingly disappointed with the work that I do. Last year I spent a long time analysing and advising on the best approach to take on a number of issues and the analysis this year shows that all of that advice was ignored and things have gotten worse.

I’d like to think that it is my personal drama – but I can see the environment destroying others too. Great marketers becoming tool monkeys and digital forward thinkers becoming sock puppets. It’s so disappointing because three years ago, this place had so much potential. Perhaps it is still there, but I lack the ability to see it?

I still want to improve things, but whether it is politics, technology or just the ever changing landscape of people, I seem unable to achieve anything. I am unable to feel any worth in what I do.

I think I have always tried very hard to achieve work-life balance and often failed miserably in favour of working too much. Now, even though I still want to work – it seems that there is nothing for me to do that is going to add any value. In itself that is just as destructive to my life balance as working too hard. Lack of purpose is driving me to depression.

So it is a strange place to be in because when I look only at my personal life – we have so much to be excited about, so much that I can do and feel enthusiasm for but it has never ever been so starkly in contrast to my work life; a bitterly dark and lonely place full of echoes.